Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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