Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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