the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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