dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
