Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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