Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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