Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
