my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
