and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
