ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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