Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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