My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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