im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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