I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
