And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
