HIV tests are more positive than that guy
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
