you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
