If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm passing your future prison.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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