omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
