you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
