im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
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