If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
