she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
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Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
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A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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