haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
