I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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