so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Randomize
