I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
