i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
