You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
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