You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
