You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
