hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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