His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
