Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
