i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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