i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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