On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
