Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
