He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
