I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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