I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
