i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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