I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
