I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
