She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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