She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
