He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
