They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
