Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
