it was like his penis was on wheels.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
