i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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