Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
