He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
