I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
